There is no question that finding out that your spouse has been cheating on your can force your mind to operate in overdrive. Russianbrides.com ReviewsSuddenly, all those things that you weren't really concerned too much about - your future, your marriage going forward, and your self esteem - are taking up prime real estate in your brain.
This is totally natural and hard to
control. Often, women who are going through this are told not to fixate on or
become consumed with worry over it. I might hear from someone who says:
"three weeks ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair. I
debated for a long time whether or not I should confront him over it. One
night, I began to bring it up and my husband became defensive about it and so I
backed off because I didn't want a huge fight on my hands. I was discussing
this with one of my friends and she said that the best thing that I can do is
to try not to worry about it. She said if she were me, she would keep herself
busy at work Russianbrides and just
wait for the affair to end on its own. I am really not sure how this is even
possible. How can you know something like this and not worry about it? Is she
right? Should I just try to ignore it and not worry?"
I think that there are a couple of
ways that you can look at this. If we're talking about being in denial, then I
am afraid that I do not agree. Many people feel that it's better to just watch
and wait rather than to have a big confrontation about the affair. The theory
is that the affair will eventually fizzle out on its own and so by waiting, you
are sparing yourself a lot of drama and still getting the same outcome.
But, what people sometimes don't
consider is that the affair sometimes will not fizzle out naturally. And also, at
least in my opinion people who suggest this strategy have absolutely no idea
how difficult it is to live with the knowledge that your spouse is cheating Russianbrides.com on you and then not acting on it. That is an
excruciatingly difficult thing to have to pull off. And I know that I could not
have done it. Once you know that your spouse is cheating, it's very hard to
make yourself believe that you don't.
I understand wanting to avoid a
huge conflict or fight. And I do think that you can discuss this in such a way
that it's possible to attempt to remain calm. But turning a blind eye is almost
the same as being in denial. And, in my view, you can't fix something that you
do not acknowledge. Of course, I'm not a therapist or a professional. Nor do I
know your husband or how he might react. I'm simply suggesting that trying to
pretend that the affair doesn't exist is not going to be completely possible
for most people. Or, at the very least, can be as difficult as going ahead and
addressing it.
With this said, you can place your
priority someplace else instead of being solely focused on the worry. To be
honest, even when you do confront your spouse about cheating and even when your
spouse ends the affair, you still have a lot of uncertainty ahead. This is a
challenge for most people. Many people, myself included, struggle with the idea
of not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring in terms of your marriage. It
helps to remind yourself that none of us knows what tomorrow brings in ANY area
of our lives. All that we can do is the best that we can. And that includes
building ourselves up so that we are as strong as we can be when the course of
things becomes more obvious.
So my answer to the question of
"how do I not worry about my husband's affair" is that you try as
best as you can. You tell yourself that you are much better off worrying about
what you can control - which is yourself and your own reactions and healing - than
what you can not control. You can not fully control what your husband does or
feels. You can share your feelings or offer information on where you stand. But
you can not completely control other people. So the friend is right about that.
It doesn't make sense to worry about what you can not control. You can control
your own healing though.
So I think that the better course
of action is to realize that you can clarify what you will or will not accept
and then, while you are waiting to see what he is going to do, you can evaluate
what you want and what you need. You can focus on your own healing. In other
words, you can worry more about yourself than you are worrying about him. I
think it's a little unrealistic to think that you aren't going to worry about
your husband's affair at all. That would be denying its existence. But I
believe that it's smart to focus your attention on yourself and on own needs
and wants right now.
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